Jack and What'sHerFace: A Titanic Satire
by celia203
Summary: Jack and that chick he met struggle to get off the Titanic alive.


Jack POV

"Jack! Jack!" I hear a voice call from the hallway. I know that voice; it's the chick I just fucked. What the _hell_ was her name? It was a flower. Tulip? Chrysanthemum? Daisy? Screw it. "I'm in here!" I scream out.

"Where?" _What a dumbass_!

"Here! Here! Right here!" The door trudges open slowly because of friction from the water.

"Jack! Oh, Jack! I just knew you didn't take the necklace. I thought I'd have to leave the ship without you," she swoons.

"You'd leave without me?"

"Well, if you were already dead—"

"You bitch!" She slaps me hard across the cheek. Like I haven't dealt with enough shit today.

"Where's the key, Jack?" she asks, obviously annoyed. She should really suck it up. It was her decision to come back for me.

"Check that desk over there." She frantically looks through the desk drawers and on the desk.

"It's not here!" I bet the dumb whore overlooked it.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you." She gives me this crazy mad look, like I was responsible for the ship sinking. She could've been off this ship by now, but she came back for me. This would make a good love story if she weren't so damn stupid. "Are you just going to stare at me or go get help?"

"Everyone's left the ship by now, I'm sure," she says.

"Fucking find someone, bitch! I'm going to die!"

"Why are you being such a jackass?"

I clatter my handcuffs against the pipe. "Because I'm going to _die_!"

Angrily, she runs, tripping occasionally over her long-ass dress, through the water to find help. She's not coming back. I don't care, though. I'd probably end up dying anyway. Besides, it's all her fault I'm stuck here. Why do girls never understand that you just want to get in their pants?

Meanwhile, the water is almost up to my knees. These were some nice shoes, too. Stolen, yes, but nice nonetheless. I look around for something to get on before the water gets to my shirt. The shirt's stolen too, but it's nice. There's a conveniently placed table right next to me, so I hop backwards onto the table and look down. "What now, water? I'm on a table; you can't get me, _biotch_!"

"What the fuck are you doing?" asks Chrysanthemum. She's holding an axe. Shit. _Shit_.

I try desperately to cover my head with my arm, but my hands are still cuffed around the pipe. I shut my eyes tight and whimper out, "I'm sorry for calling you a bitch and anything else I said earlier that might've offended you."

"I'm not going to hurt you, the axe is here to help." she assures me.

"What're you going to do with an axe? That won't fit in the keyhole." I don't understand her stupid-whore logic.

"I'm going to cut the cuffs off!" she explains.

"You're crazy!" She lifts the axe up high. I can't lose a hand now! "_Wait_!" She stops. "Practice first."

She swings, aiming for the conveniently placed wardrobe, but hits the desk...a yard from where she's standing.

"How was that?" she asks, proud of herself.

"Wonderful," I reply, silently saying goodbye to my ability to masturbate. I close my eyes, hold my hands apart as far as the cuffs will allow, and hope for the best.

"Son of a _bitch_!" I scream as I watch part of my thumb fall to the floor. _Could be worse_.

"Jack! You're free!" she exclaims. I'm bleeding profusely, and really just want a nap, but I guess this means I'll have to try to get off this hell hole.

We venture out to the hallway, where there's this annoying little kid screaming for his parents. Right then, my fatherly instincts kick in and I can't leave the child to be pummeled by the water that's soon to break from behind the door at the end of the hall. I run over, and am about to pick the boy up when I see a grumpy man rushing my way, swinging his fist angrily at me and screaming foreign curses. He sweeps the kid up into his arms right as the door makes a most unpleasant noise. "Run, Tulip!" I scream as I frantically sprint past them all.

As she catches up to me, she says, "My name is Rose!"

I'm highly irritated by this. "Rhododendron, this is _not_ the time to be trying to confuse me."

"My name is _Rose_!" she says again. I decide this time to ignore her. She has to have the _worst_ sense of humor.

We make it to a gate where a furious crowd is screaming curses at one of the ship attendants.

"Back, you freaks! Back I say! Back!" he's saying as he pokes the people with a long stick. "Stay back or I'll be forced shoot you! I'm not kidding!"

The people don't stop and Daffodil and I decide we shouldn't even try this gate and skip to the next one not too far away. The water, however, is rising higher and we have to swim to get onto the stairs, but this gate is locked too.

Hydrangea and I are screaming our heads off trying to get the attention of anyone who might be able to help us. A few soulless bastards walk by and let us slowly be drenched in water—there goes my nice shirt—until an attendant with a warm heart throws the keys at us saying, "Fuck you!"

I figure, since Lily is so bad at looking for keys, that I should dive under and grab them. I grasp the keys and hand them up to her. She hands them back. "My hands aren't _nearly_ as sturdy as yours," she swoons.

Well, she's no help. I fumble with the keys, groping at the gate until I finally get the damn thing open. We rush up the stairs, just barely avoiding being drowned in the water and escape to the Grand Staircase.

There, she practically mauled me while I was _trying _to come up with a plan to escape. She continued to kiss me even after I'd tell her how idiotic she was. "You're so stupid, Poinsettia," I'd say. "Rose," she'd blurt right before kissing me. God, would she_ ever_ let that go? "Let it go, Cosmo," I sighed.

"Rose!" she screamed.

"Let it go!"

"I will _never_ let go!"

"I just wanted to get in your pants!"

"What?"

I shouldn't have said that. "Nothing. Never mind. Look out!"

"What? What is it?" she asked, crouching down.

"It's that…that guy. The one you were supposed to marry. And he…he, uh, he has a gun. Yeah, that's it. A gun." I lied. I'm fucking clever.

"Run, then!" she said, and began sprinting.

I just kind of followed along until we finally found ourselves on the stern portion of the deck. "Is the boat moving?" I asked, feeling a significant shift underneath my legs.

"Yes, run, _run_!" Caspia orders. She's tripping because of the high heels she's managed to keep on this whole time—damn!—and that long-ass fucking dress.

We make it to the back of the stern and hold on tight to the railing. I consider my options. We could jump the rail and hang on for dear life, but there's always the off chance that we slip or the stern falls entirely upside-down…

"Jack!" she breaks my chain of thoughts. "This is where we first met, Jack!"

I smile like I care, and kiss her forehead. "That's wonderful, Calla-lily."

"It's Rose!" she screams.

"Jump the rail!" I order everyone. One unfortunate dumbass over-jumps and falls beyond the ship. I don't look because, secretly, I have a weak stomach.

We hang on to the rail tightly as our grasps will allow and hope we don't fall. The stern begins sinking into the water, quicker than you'd imagine, too.

"All right, Dahlia, when I say so, I want you to take a _big_ breath. Got it?" I tell her.

"My name is Rose."

"Oh my God, just let it go!"

"Shouldn't we try to stay together at least? Like, hold each others hands?"

I kind of stare at her for a minute. Like, was she serious? "Uhm, yeah. Sure. Go for it."

She snatches my hand and, on my cue, we both take deep breaths before we're forced into the water.

I try to go to the surface, but she's just flailing around like an injured turkey. Eventually I let go of her hand so I won't end up dying, but when I reach the surface I see a man is using her as a float.

"Ja-bublabul! Ja-blublublbulbu!" Her head keeps bobbing in and out of the water, and I don't know what she's trying to tell me.

"Iris, I can't understand you!"

"Blublbulblublbu!"

I don't speak whatever language it is she's speaking, and I figure she could talk better if this guy wasn't interrupting our conversation, so I shove him off and hold him under the water until he stops moving. That should shut him up.

"Gerbera, what were you trying to tell me?"

"Jack," she says, breathlessly holding on to my shoulder. "I can't swim." What? _What_?

"You can't swim? _That's _not handy. Do you not have any handy talents?"

She hesitates for a moment, thinking. "I can stand on my toes!"

I'm awed. That isn't a very easy feat, and not a lot of people can do it. "That's cool! When we get out of here, you _have_ to teach me that."

"_You_ sound hopeful," she says.

"We'll get out of here. Something this bad can't happen to me. I just know it. We're going to make it and you're going to teach me how to stand on my toes like a ballerina."

For this remark she kisses me, and I feel a sudden attraction to her. Like, it's my soul purpose to be sure she lives. I dismiss the thought because, well, that's stupid. Of course _I_ should live over her; I'm attractive, smart, and I actually had to _earn_ my ticket on Titanic. She's just a rich whore. But I do feel that I should protect her. I came in her, she might be pregnant with my kid. And I now have fatherly instincts.

"Come on, Lavender, there's a board over here we might be able to fit on."

We reach the board and, before we attempt to get on, she says, "Jack, I've been trying to tell you this whole time—"

"Whoa, Carnation, I'm not ready to commit to a serious relationship just yet. I know you may _think_ you may love me, but—"

"No! Jack! What I've been trying to say is that my name is—" But I don't get to hear the end of her sentence because the board flips under the weight.

"This thing won't hold both of us, Heather. One of us will have to stay in the water."

"Well, who would that be? Jack, I can't swim."

"I think it should be you."

"Jack! I can't swim!"

"But whoever's in the water will die, and I _really_ want a nap!"

She begins to cry. "Jack, _you've_ made me realize that I don't want to die either. Earlier on this trip I wanted to commit suicide, but _you_ stopped me. You were willing to risk your life for me. What happened to that Jack?"

_He got what he wanted_, I think, but I know if I tell her that she'll want me to die even more. Instead I say, "You jump, I jump, right?"

She nods. "So, if you live, I live! There's no dying in this situation unless you go down with me!"

"Are you saying we should drown together?"

"What? No! I'm saying you should let me hop on the board, take a nap, and then we'll trade places."

"That's not a good plan at all! I'll be dead by the time you wake up!"

"Listen to me, Lilac—"

Enraged, she interrupts me. "My name is _not_ Lilac! I _don't_ love you! And _my name is Rose_!" Her voice is so loud that it echoes.

"Let it go!"

With tears streaming down her face she coughs out the words, "I will never let go" which must have taken up all of her energy because then she passes out. I quickly swim to her and hold her in my arms. I use what strength I have to toss her onto the board. It can support just my arms and my head as the rest of my body dangles off, numb and frozen. She has to get what she wants. She _always_ gets what she wants. She even made me draw that stupid picture of her, when her hands were not all that pretty.

I think warm thoughts as I struggle not to fall asleep, but this isn't easy. I look around at the other people, who are screaming and begging for someone to come back. Although some of them are dead, or maybe resting. Whatever.

I doggy paddle over to a man resting on a piece of wood, probably from a wall or something. After poking him several times, I assume he wouldn't feel it if I rolled him off the object. A few minutes later, once I've gotten his frozen body off of the wood I hop on it and am free to take my nap. I _knew_ there was a way this would work out with both of us living and getting to take naps.

Later, I awake to the sound of a man in a lifeboat calling for survivors. Wait. I'm a survivor. I can live! I try to call for him, but my voice is barely audible and he's too fucking loud. I try to wave my hands, but they're extremely hard to move. I just call desperately to no avail. Then, I see someone swimming. It's Lisianthus! She swipes the whistle from a corpse's body and begins blowing it with all her strength so the lifeboat will hear her and come back. As they come back for her, I try waving and moving around as much as I can to get them to notice me, but it's too dark. They get her on the boat and begin sailing off.

That bitch! She left me here! After all the shit I went through to keep her alive, she straight up ditches me! The _nerve_!

I begin thinking of all the things I'll never get to do. I can't get married, have sex, drink, play poker, smoke, go back to Wisconsin, feel warmth, live, see Rose. Rose. Holy fuck. _That's _what she was trying to tell me. Her name is Rose! I remember now because I had a present to give to her. Out of my pocket I pull a soggy, mushy, hardly distinguishable rose. I hold it in my mouth by what I assume to be the stem and swim as fast as I can towards the lifeboat. I trudge past all the dead/frozen bodies as quick as I can. It doesn't matter, though, because I'll never catch up to them. Then, I get an idea.

POV Change, Rose

In the boat, I shiver under a blanket. I keep getting the feeling that I'm forgetting something, but that can't be because anything I ever owned has sunken. Then, I'm hit in the head by something soaking wet. I stare at it a moment, and wonder where it could've come from. The more I stare at it, the more the shape stands out. Finally I come to the conclusion, it's a flower! What is it, though? I think of all the flowers it could be. Chrysanthemum? Tulip? Rhododendron? Daffodil? Hydrangea? Lily? Poinsettia? Cosmo? Caspia? Calla-lily? Dahlia? Iris? Gerbera? Lavender? Carnation? Heather? Lilac? Lisianthus? Then, it comes to me. It's a rose! I look up to see where it came from and see Jack in the water frantically waving his hands, trying not to drown. He remembered! He remembered my name! Oh, this has to be the most romantic moment of my life!

I have to save him! "Wait, sir!" I tug on the man's sleeve. "There's another survivor! You have to go back for him!" The man turns back to see Jack flailing in the water.

"She's right," he tells his friend. "Turn around. This man is still alive."

POV Change, Jack

It worked! They saw me! Rose saw me! I'm saved! When they approach me, they lift me up on the boat, hand me a blanket, and tell me to rest.

Rose curls up next to me. "Did you throw this?" She holds up the soggy flower.

"Yes, Rose. I did."

"You remembered!" I can tell she wants to hug me, but doesn't want to leave her blanket.

"So, when we get home, you're going to teach me that toe thing, right?" I inquire.

"Of course, Jake."

"Jake? My name is Jack. You slut. You've had sex with so many guys, you can't even remember my name? How stupid are you? Jack is such a simple name! How hard can it be to forget! It's _one fucking syllable_! God dammit, Rose! I don't even want to look at you right now. Don't talk to me. You have no idea how mad I am. We went through all that _shit_ together and you don't even remember my name? I don't see how a person can be so stupid. This is ridiculous, Rose. I can't believe you. I'll learn how to be a ballerina from someone else. Fuck you, you bitch."

I'll never know if she heard my rage because Rose fell asleep in that boat and was reunited with her family when we got to port. Before she left, I hid a much drier, prettier rose in her pocket. And stole this fancy necklace too.

"And that's how I got hold of this necklace." I hold it up before them, the researchers that is, and let them marvel at it.

"I've been looking for that necklace for years. I wouldn't suppose you'd be willing to part with it for a sum of cash?"

"Oh, sure. You can have it. I'm going to get myself one of those heart transplants with the money so I can live forever."

"That's great, Jack. You do that."

I smiled and tossed the 'lace over to the man, who missed horribly. The necklace slipped out the door, across the dock, and into the water. Frantically, the researcher ran to the edge of the dock, screamed "_Noooooooo_!" and dove in after the trinket.

I only bid him farewell and shouted to him, hoping he could hear, "I'll expect a check in the mail!" Yup. Life is good. Life. Is. Good.


End file.
